Kids are Creepy

This was written a few years ago, but the message still rings true. To piggy back on the last blog post with the Kids-do-some-super-weird-stuff-and-we-need-to-talk-about-it theme, here we go...

Several nights ago (read: no clue when), I was turning the lights out when Finn burst into our room. My obvious first thought was, 'Oh no. He puked.' (BECAUSE TO THIS DAY NOT ONE USSERY KIDDO HAS STARTED THE STOMACH BUG ANYWHERE ELSE OTHER THAN IN THEIR BED WITH ALL THE SHEETS AND ALL THE BLANKETS AND ALL THE PUKE.) But no. Almost worst, he was sleepwalking. Wide eyed. Big Grin. I promise you it looked like he was about to Menendez brother us. John asked, "You okay, buddy?"

Giggle. Wide eye grin. Giggle. Repeat a few times.

Finally, he RUNS back to his room, climbs in bed and boom! Sleeping. I know I'm being dramatic, but this is basically what he looked like as he approached the bed.

I have done some grassroots research, and as luck would have it, I'm not the only one with a sleepwalker (#obvi). And I'm definitely not alone in thinking sleepwalking kids are Stephen King's level of terror. This incident has had me reconsidering the whole 'kids are sweet, little creatures' notion altogether. I submit to you that maybe they MOSTLY are. But sometimes they (and the baggage they bring with them) can be the stuff of nightmares.

Exhibit A. Sleepwalking. Already discussed.

Exhibit B. Toy Sounds When Ain't Nobody 'Round. Of course this only happens at night when the kids are asleep, and you're watching a recorded episode of The Blacklist. You finally have the laundry put away. You're eating the hidden Halloween candy, and out of nowhere the little, rainbow Fisher Price Beatbo toy breaks through your peaceful evening with its best and loudest Freeze Dance song. 

HAAAAATE. It's scary. Every time. You side eye the horror and try to will it to stop because you know there's nothing touching that toy. There is not a breeze blowing in its direction. There is only one obvious explanation, and that is THE DEVIL. There's also only one solution: BREAK IT. And if breaking it still results in random serenades in the darkness, then beware. Your TV is about to go fuzzy and Carol Ann is going to lead you to the light. 

Exhibit C. Dolls. Chalk it up to me being a boy mom, but actually, NOPE. Don't. It doesn't matter. Dolls are total freak shows. I'm not just talking about unrealistic Barbie dolls (gag). I'm talking about old fashioned, overpriced, Cracker Barrel merchandise craziness with plastic eye lashes and eyelids that close when lying down. The think tanks behind those Chucky movies were no fools, y'all. They saw dolls and thought, "that's the ticket!!" And they were SPOT. ON. Dolls are the outer shells of demons, and here we are foolishly gifting them to children. 

Exhibit D. Teeth Pulling. This is an entire blog post in and of itself, but I'll keep it short. Pulling kid teeth is for those who like to pop zits and peel sunburned skin. (2018 Update: I HAVE watched Dr. Pimple Popper and I do understand the gratification of all that zit-squeezing.) We all have those friends, and hopefully they're the friends who are okay with a late night house call. These people are not to be looked down upon. They are to be championed for volunteering their services to the rest of us.

For the record, I have pulled some of my kids' teeth. Ehrmergersh. That POP!!! The pulpy flesh hole that's left behind. The drooly paper towel forgotten on the kitchen counter. Ew. Wise up and tell the Tooth Fairy to double down for kids who pull their own teeth. Also, if you try the Tie it to the Doorknob Trick, plan for stretchiness in the string. My engineering skills are lacking, and I failed miserably at this teeth-pulling avoidance tactic. Apparently when you become a parent, you also become a pro bono dentist against your will. 

Exhibit E. Lice L--- might qualify to some as gross, but it most assuredly falls closer to the scary side on my parenting freak out spectrum. Lice are unfortunately not limited to children, but clearly, kids are the most likely age group starting this garbage each time there's a breakout. (And, hey..selfie-ing TEENS?...for the LOVE!!! Untouch those heads already!)

Our boys have each come home at some point with THE LETTER from school. The Sideways glance while they hand it to us as we're worried they've had a little visit with the principal or something.

Dear Mrs. Ussery,

A student in your child's class has lice..blah, blah, blah...Blah...BLAH! I can't even bear to read another word because I'm already checking heads, scratching my own scalp and wondering if my home owners' insurance will cover a house burning. Dolls and sleepwalkers will make you scared. Lice will make you certifiably insane. One minute you're washing the dishes after dinner. The next thing you know, your kiddo nonchalantly hands THE LETTER to you, and three weeks of your life are now over. Treatments, pillows in trash bags, vacuuming for days. 

Folks, we have to believe that Walgreens employees have some stories to tell. They've witnessed us blitzing the parking lot shrubs in our Honda Odysseys and Suburbans comin' in hot like the The General Lee. Half-crazed moms stumbling out, ready to spend a small fortune on lice blasting products. We can preach all we want about elderberry syrups and lavender-oiling our faces off, but if the L word hits the Ussery household, we will consider shaving everyone's head and will proudly volunteer as tribute for liquified brains and third degree chemical burns.

And so help me if someone says to put mayonnaise on some heads!!!! 

Don't get me wrong. Clearly I either really enjoy children, or I identify with Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon when she couldn't figure out how these little creatures show up. Children are often the ones who get us through the day. Like right now. Jack is leading Charlie in an obstacle course in the yard. Charlie just turned to me and said, "I guess I'll get my abs in soon". And he sprinted across the yard screaming, Musclesssss!!! That's the good stuff, y'all. And another reason to add to the ridiculously long list of Why Kids are Awesome.

All I'm saying is these little jokers can turn on you sometimes. Surely I've forgotten something. What's on your Creepy Kid Things List? I know you have one.

Aside: Just thought of an awesome business idea: Lice Bunkers! It's like the doomsday bunkers except...well...nevermind. Same. Doom or lice? Unless you're the carrier, head to the bunker! 

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